I’m not sure what it feels like to be in a family…This is not a family. I don’t know what it is but it doesn’t really contain the qualities of what it takes to be a family. In this house, there is no communication. Everyone wakes up and goes through their day according to what they have in mind. There is no schedule here. They might not even know what one is. I can’t remember the last time we were a family…I only know that things used to be great back in the days when I was living the life of a child. I have no idea who I am nor will I find out anytime soon because my parents do not give me the opportunity to make my mistakes or to live my life my own way. I don’t know what my future looks like because being inside these walls of what is supposed to be a home has not allowed me to look past these barriers. What will be of my life? Do I even have a life I can call my own? I don’t think so… Things in my house are so bad that I was told yesterday to my face by my father and infront of my relatives that maybe my therapy with my social worker isn’t helping at all. I’m sorry I’m sorry to dissappoint him on not becomming what he expects of me but “I can’t please everyone” just like my Bestie said. I can not continue to live my life on eggshells hoping that some day things will change for the better. I want to make things right here but how?
I have not forgotten what I said I would do. Holidays are always busy and cause me to delay on things. There was Christmas, then New Years, then two days after my birthday. I came on here last year (hah 2011) saying that I have a secret to share. And I have been telling myself that one day I would let everyone know what that secret is. Well that day has to be now or else that day will not come. I’m not sure how to say those so I’ll just be out with it. I’m not what everyone might see me as. I’m not completely healthy as I seem and I have my reasons for not doing the things other people may do like P.E. People would ask me why I don’t have to take p.e. and I would simply tell them I have my reasons and leave it at that. It’s a topic that doesn’t really leave me feeling comfortable because I’m such an insecure person that I always think if people were to find out about this they’d look down on me and see it as a reason not to talk to me or be my friend. Notice how I’m kind of drifting away from the topic itself. It scares me to let people know who I am and what I’m about. Since it’s not something that can be seen much most people that know were surprised that I am like I am. People just don’t expect these kinds of things and more from a person that doesn’t look like anything is wrong. I’ve had so much experience on just biting my tongue and moving on like nothings wrong that it’s almost a habit to hide my feelings. It’s not a disease but I’m not that comfotable calling it an illness either but it suits it a lot more than disease. I wasn’t born with it but it started to develop more as I got older. This comes from my father’s side. He has it along with some of his siblings. My older sister has it as well but on her it’s more developed and noticeable. What this is is something called muscular dystrophy which is a weakness in muscles. It attacks us on our arms, face, back, abdomen and legs. Sounds like pretty much everywhere but its more noticeable on certain areas. There’s a point where the muscles get so weak that it makes things hard for us to do. Even just simple things. This goes back to why I’m not in P.E. I can’t run like others can and can barely speed walk. If I were to be running it would cause me to grow very weak and it would make me fall constantly cause it would be too much for my legs to handle. I can’t take stairs anymore cause it hurts my back. I can’t do sit ups or push ups cause my ab muscles aren’t strong enough and my arms aren’t either. What I have is a disability. It causes me to become tired faster than most people without it. I may not be as far into our disability as my father and older sister but the doctors aren’t sure if it can get there. They say that it can happen but that it might also just be where I’m at. What we are working on is to maintain myself where I am now being able to do the small amount of things I can do. I’m grateful I can do much more. What scares me is the future because I’m not sure what lies ahead and it can impact my career. I’m not releasing my “secret” because I want people’s pitty but it’s just to let people know that even the happiest person on the planet has something that they hold within themself and can make them just as sad as they are happy. “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” Is a quote that I follow because I’ve been told that I’m lucky I don’t have to take p.e. To be honest I’d rather be running out in the hot sun than to not be able to run at all. I want people to appreciate the things they can do that they don’t like to do cause many can’t do them even if they didn’t want to. Us people take life for granted, including myself. We must live everyday doing the things we can do for those that can’t. These are words that come from the heart because by tomorrow I won’t be able to recall what I ahve written. That’s the power of feelings. I’d be okay with being asked questions on how I live my everyday life so don’t be afraid to ask me more. It’s okay to ask about my disability and I will answer to the best of my knowledge cause even I’m still learning. I’m gratefull to also have been raised by a person with this disability because they can stand by me through the changes that I’m going through and might possibly go through in the future. I have great mentors and as a family we attend a support group with more people with the same disability or families with relatives that have the disability. It’s somewhat of a relief to let this out cause whoever wants to can accept me the way I am and whoever can’t accept it then so be it. I’m glad to have those that have already accepted it and support me every step of the way. They help me deal with my countless negative thoughts and with the unkind words that are heard along with the dissapproving looks. Thanks for those that are there for me. Those that I can call friends. Let’s keep fighting for those that need strength. For those that need even the smallest of strength to let people know what they go through. Flaws are NOT the end of the world and we all need to see that.
I Think In This New Year The World Will Be Ready To Hear Of This “Secret” I Hold That Few Know Of. I Hope I Do Not Get Proven Wrong But Oh Well I Have Those That Already Know It And That Really Care Despite It.
(Source: acidwithgod)
